walmart by age
The Scenario:
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the
lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You
are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work
clothes on. You know, the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old
T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to WalMart to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your
hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in
the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never
know, you just might meet some hot chick while
standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl
running the register.
In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.
Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash
your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it.
Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl
running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long
enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different
shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost
empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check
yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy
young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird
thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off
your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get
dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear
not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie
running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you
still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait
& Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'
In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the
dog shit off your shoes The mirror was shattered when you were in your
50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your
pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your
glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they
have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your
shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind
her of her grandfather.
In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now
you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander
around trying to think what the hell it is you are looking for. Fart out
loud and you think you heard someone called out your name. You went to
school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
The Scenario:
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the
lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You
are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work
clothes on. You know, the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old
T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to WalMart to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your
hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in
the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never
know, you just might meet some hot chick while
standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl
running the register.
In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.
Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash
your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it.
Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl
running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long
enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different
shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost
empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check
yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy
young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird
thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off
your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get
dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear
not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie
running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you
still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait
& Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'
In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the
dog shit off your shoes The mirror was shattered when you were in your
50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your
pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your
glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they
have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your
shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind
her of her grandfather.
In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now
you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander
around trying to think what the hell it is you are looking for. Fart out
loud and you think you heard someone called out your name. You went to
school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
