>
DIARY OF A SNOW
SHOVELER
December 8 - 6:00
PM
It started to
snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked
like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like
> newlyweds again. I love snow!
>
December 9
We woke to a beautiful
blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the
landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be
a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here
was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the
first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and
closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What
a perfect life!
December
12
The sun has melted all
our lovely snow.. Such a disappointment! My
neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a
white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be
awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end
of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.
> I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a
nice man, I'm glad he's our
neighbor.
December
14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches
last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came
back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff
so.
December 15
>
20 inches
forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
> Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra
shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a
wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after
all.
December
16
Ice storm this
morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife
laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.
December
17
Still way below
freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
> Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
> blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at
the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
> should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I
> can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
> room.
December
20
Electricity's back
on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last
> night. More shoveling! Took all day. The
> damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a
> neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
> playing hockey. I think they're lying.
> Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a
> snow blower and they're out. Might have another
> shipment in March. I think they're lying.
> Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
> bill me. I think he's lying.
> December
> 22
>
>
> Bob was right about a
> white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit
> fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt
> till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up
> to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the
> time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too
> tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on
> his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's
> too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
>
>
> December
> 23
>
>
> Only 2 inches of snow
> today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me
> to decorate the front of the house this morning. What
> is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that
> a month ago? She says she did but I think she's
> lying.
>
> December
> 24
> 6 inches - Snow packed
> so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I
> was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of
> a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him
> through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my
> broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and
> waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the
> street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where
> I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
> Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was
> too busy watching for the damn snowplough.
> December
> 25
>
>
> Merry f---ing
> Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -
> Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood
> boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough
> driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the
> head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
> attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If
> I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
> more time, I'm going to stuff her into the
> microwave.
>
> December
> 26
>
>
> Still snowed in.
> Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER
> idea. She's really getting on my
> nerves.
>
> December
> 27
>
>
> Temperature dropped to
> -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of
> waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
> pipes.
>
> December
> 28
>
>
> Warmed up to above
> -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me
> crazy!!!
>
> December 29
> 10 more
> inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could
> cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
> heard. How dumb does he think I
> am?
>
> December
> 30
>
>
> Roof caved in. I
> beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a
> million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also
> for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.
> The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches
> predicted.
>
> December
> 31
>
>
> I set fire to what's
> left of the house.. No more
> shoveling.
>
> January
> 8
>
>
> I Feel so good. I
> just love those little white pills they keep giving
> me. Why am I tied to the
> bed
DIARY OF A SNOW
SHOVELER
December 8 - 6:00
PM
It started to
snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked
like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like
> newlyweds again. I love snow!
>
December 9
We woke to a beautiful
blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the
landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be
a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here
was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the
first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and
closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What
a perfect life!
December
12
The sun has melted all
our lovely snow.. Such a disappointment! My
neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a
white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be
awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end
of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.
> I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a
nice man, I'm glad he's our
neighbor.
December
14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches
last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came
back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff
so.
December 15
>
20 inches
forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
> Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra
shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a
wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after
all.
December
16
Ice storm this
morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife
laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.
December
17
Still way below
freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
> Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
> blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at
the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
> should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I
> can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
> room.
December
20
Electricity's back
on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last
> night. More shoveling! Took all day. The
> damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a
> neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
> playing hockey. I think they're lying.
> Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a
> snow blower and they're out. Might have another
> shipment in March. I think they're lying.
> Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
> bill me. I think he's lying.
> December
> 22
>
>
> Bob was right about a
> white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit
> fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt
> till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up
> to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the
> time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too
> tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on
> his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's
> too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
>
>
> December
> 23
>
>
> Only 2 inches of snow
> today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me
> to decorate the front of the house this morning. What
> is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that
> a month ago? She says she did but I think she's
> lying.
>
> December
> 24
> 6 inches - Snow packed
> so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I
> was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of
> a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him
> through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my
> broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and
> waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the
> street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where
> I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
> Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was
> too busy watching for the damn snowplough.
> December
> 25
>
>
> Merry f---ing
> Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -
> Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood
> boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough
> driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the
> head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
> attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If
> I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
> more time, I'm going to stuff her into the
> microwave.
>
> December
> 26
>
>
> Still snowed in.
> Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER
> idea. She's really getting on my
> nerves.
>
> December
> 27
>
>
> Temperature dropped to
> -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of
> waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
> pipes.
>
> December
> 28
>
>
> Warmed up to above
> -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me
> crazy!!!
>
> December 29
> 10 more
> inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could
> cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
> heard. How dumb does he think I
> am?
>
> December
> 30
>
>
> Roof caved in. I
> beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a
> million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also
> for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.
> The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches
> predicted.
>
> December
> 31
>
>
> I set fire to what's
> left of the house.. No more
> shoveling.
>
> January
> 8
>
>
> I Feel so good. I
> just love those little white pills they keep giving
> me. Why am I tied to the
> bed
