Subject: Negative people


When negative people do their best to rain on
your parade!

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her
hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's
crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome .
So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "
We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser .
"That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants
are ugly, and they're al ways late.
So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over
on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place.
Everybody thinks it's gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's
really a dump, the worst hotel in the city!
The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're
overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get
there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we
hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You
and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

&nb sp;A month later, the woman again came in for a
hairdo........

The hairdresser asked, "Well, how was your
trip to Rome ?"

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not
only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it
was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had
a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on
me hand and foot. And the ho tel was great!
They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and
now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us
their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all
well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope. "

"Actually , we were quite lucky, because as we
toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder,
and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors,
and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait,
the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough,
five minutes later, the Pope walked through
the door and shook my hand; I knelt down and he spoke a few
words to me."

"Oh really! What'd he say?"






He said: "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.We
decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager
had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager
would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he
sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I
would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye
in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just
wondering if you were my son."

Irish Problems

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

The Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called - - you left your wheelchair there again."

A man called his son. he told him that he and his sons mother were going to get a divorce. the son was shocked, and said " dont do anything till me and sue get there with the kids. we will talk it out. you have been married to long to give up on a marriage. so dont do anything drastic. we will be there as soon as we can make the trip. and we will all work it out. please dad. let us all talk. it will be ok. so i am going now and we will pack. so they hung up. then the father, turned toward his wife direction and shouted, "Hey they will be coming for Thanksgiving now"

well this joke has been around the block a few times, but may be new for some,take care

ever wonder why Mexico does not do that well in the Olympics?
Well all their citizens that can , run fast, jump high, and swim strong, are already in the United States,

Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....

I'M GETTING A FAX!!

These are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church bulletins:

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 PM

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

Miss Charlene Mason, sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast next Sunday morning

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

A bean supper well be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Scubbs supplied our pulpit.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!"

Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

The choir will meet at the Larsen home for fun and sinning.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.

The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her.

Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 pm-8 pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, 'The Lord Knows Why.'

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Tonight's sermon-"What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a grief report.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.

Authors Unknown.

An older man approaches a young woman inside the


mall. "Excuse me," he said.


"I can't seem to find my wife. Do you have
the


time to talk to me for a couple of
minutes?"


The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old


fellow, said, "Sure, sir, do you know where
your wife might be?"


"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman


with tits like yours, she usually appears out of
nowhere"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
errrr' i just copy and paste email, im in the clear, lol,

DOG OR WIFE

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!

THIS IS PRICELESS

How Consultants Can Make a Difference in an Organization:

Last week we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the bus-boy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently- dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour ! If our personnel are better prepare d, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed!

Then I noticed there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had a string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked our waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, sure!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the men's room by 76.39%!

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon

Driving With Granddad (I like this one)

A grandfather, always made a special effort with his grandchildren. Many Sunday mornings he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, grandma came to the rescue and said that she would take the grandchild out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see Pop Pop. 'Well,' the grandfather asked, 'did you enjoy your ride with Nana? ''Oh yes, Pop Pop' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

>> THE HORTH WHITHPERER
>>
>>
>> A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
>> friend over to look at a horse.
>>
>> His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
>>
>> "That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
>>
>> So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a
>> male or female horse.
>>
>> "A female horth."
>>
>> So he shows him a prized filly.
>>
>> "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
>>
>> So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
>> over.
>>
>> "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
>>
>> So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
>>
>> "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
>>
>> The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks
>> him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
>>
>> "Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"
>>
>> Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his
>> arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny,
>> pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
>>
>> The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
>>
>> "Perhapth I should rephrase that.
>> Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?

Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine?

"Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love. '"Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

WHAT TENNESSEE TEENAGE GIRLS TELL THEIR FATHERS,

" get off me dad, ur smaching my cigerettes ,

Wow! I thought that was alabama girls~

nooo they are all sweet southern belles, lol

Double Date

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a "Sportsman's Double?"

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

"Oh," I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, "No I haven't." And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.

We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was, "my lucky night."

I went back to her place. We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, You still awake?"

WALKING AND BEER

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be an American.

The picture says it all. :)

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts:
"Trink das wasser nicht. Die Kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.")

The kneeling man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you.
I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English."

The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

1.

The shepherd's son says to the shepherd: Dad, I fucked one of the sheep today. The Shepherd: Which one? the boy: one of the white ones. The shepherd responds: That's good. But be careful with the black one because she's a big whore! :)

2.

Two friends are talking. - I think that my wife has died. - Why do you say that? -Because she's the same in bed but there are more and more dirty dishes in the kitchen. :)

Some more.

There are two soldiers on the Russian - Chinese border. The Chinese one is standing at a cliff, looking down and murmuring to himself: forty-four... forty-four... forty-four.... The Russian gets curious: why is this chinese is murmuring to himself forty-four? he goes to the cliff and looks down. The chinese sneaks up on him and shoves him off the cliff. then he starts murmuring to himself: forty-five... forty-five... forty-five.... :)

...............

Little red riding hood is walking in the forest when the wolf jumps before her: -Are you scared little red riding hood? She replies: - Why would i be scared? I don't have money and i love to fuck

SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's
work boots, used, size 14-16. $2.00




2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of
Guns & Ammo Magazine. Magazine - $3.00




3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and
magazine.




4. Leave a note on your door that reads:




Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim: I went for more shotgun shells and to pick my check up from the slaughterhouse. I should be back in an hour. Don't mess with the Pit Bulls--don't know what got into them, but they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait out here on the porch.

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive
man, standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- Cars and Men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.
With a smile he replied, 'B.J. Titsenbeer'