PHONE REPAIR

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman pro ceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring

right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.

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Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.

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It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

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When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

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People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.

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.

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If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

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God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead.



So why should you?

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Peace starts with a smile.

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I don't know why some people
change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

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A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

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We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

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Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

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.

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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

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Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

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Forbidden fruits create many jams.

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God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

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He who angers you, controls you!

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If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

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The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.

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The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

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We don't change the message, the message changes us.

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You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

rosco is this YOU?
" a religious nut"

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

astral75 wrote:rosco is this YOU?
" a religious nut"

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

lol hardly. thats why if u see blanks in that post , i deleted things , thanks again for the notoriety .from u the
LURKER,, lol,,think i dont know who u are huh????lol

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra............reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Rosco that was funny!

A Japanese doctor said,

'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor said,

'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A British doctor said,

'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said,

'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work.

haha very funny` Tyler

Yeah I liked that one too!

Tyler that was a good joke, but I like the smiley posted with it more!

I have heard versions of that joke to describe LBJ and FDR (the FDR joke was told to me by my cousin when I was about 7, FDR was not president then) and, the punch line to both jokes was the American Dr. said " that's nothing, we put a new ass in the White House and now we are all out looking for work.."

Hmmmm, well I think the joke has been improved then becuase the "no brains" makes more sense considering they are doctors talking about surgery. Without brains is more to the point and leads one to think they'll make more mistakes. But the "ass" one is funny too.

Oh you like that smiley Figi? lol Heres another cute one then.. this ones called "Gathering"

Daughter: My friends and I want to go out tonight.


Mother : Where are ya'll going ?

Daughter: To the cowboy bar on the edge of town.


Mother : I'm don't think you should. There's been a lot of trouble at that place. I heard there was a fight there last weekend, and several people got hurt.


Daughter : But mom!! Please!! It'll be okay.

Mother: No!! Your life is more important than going out!


Daughter : But "Tina" is going with us...

Mother: Oh Well! In that case, it should be okay.. Ya'll have fun!
scroll down

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T > > A business man got on an elevator. > > When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, > 'T-G-I-F.' > > He smiled at her and replied, > 'S-H-I-T.' > > She looked puzzled and repeated, > 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly. > > He again answered, > 'S-H-I-T.' > > The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, > 'T-G-I-F.' > > The man smiled back to her and once again said, > 'S-H-I-T.' > > The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. > > 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?' > > The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means > 'Sorry, Honey, it's Thursday' > > > > > > >

ADULT:
A
person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle.


CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with
people.


CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.


COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and
wastes hours.


DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed
out.


EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in
conversation.


HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold
Storage.


INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the
paper.


MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies
better.


RAISIN:
A grape with a
sunburn.


SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a
time.


SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped
off.


TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to
extraction.


TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of
today.


YAWN:
An honest opinion openly
expressed.


WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my
character lines.

A
young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,



"This
is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to
u.'

The
barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then
calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy
takes the quarters and leaves.

'What did ! I tell you?' said the
barber. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves,
he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream
store.

'Hey,
son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead
of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and
replied,

'Because
the day I take the dollar, the game's over
"












Ha

barack obama, in shock finds himself standing in front of St Peter. St. Peter seeming surprized, speaks to Obama, " What are u doing here my son"? Barack seems baffled, and says , well I have no idea. just 2 minutes ago I was swore in as the new President of The UNITED STATES,,

The Homeless Woman

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and
shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money,
will you buy some chocolate with it instead of
dinner?"

"No," I had to stop chocolate years ago, the
homeless woman replied.

Will you use it to go shopping instead of
buying food?" the woman asked.

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying
to stay alive."

Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman.
"I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you
out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important
for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments,
and chocolate."

why city ppl should never move to the county,,,